Tuesday, May 03, 2005
| Five Reasons to Love or Hate Joe CuttheShit About a week or so ago, my dear, sweet Ari took part in a fun little game that involved listing five things that your friends like that you don’t. Like. How did I do at explaining THAT? Yeah. It’s one of those days. In any case, here are five things that I think are completely overrated by friends of mine: 1) Walking OMG. I fucking hate to walk. And it seems like every time I talk to a friend of mine, they’re like “Why don’t we just walk there?” or “Isn’t it a beautiful day for a walk?” Holy fucking shit I hate to walk! Walking wastes time that could be spent sitting and hanging out. Paul just LOVES to walk and asks me every day if I’ll go for a stroll through the neighborhood. Obviously my answer is a swift “No!” My feeling is...if you want to walk with me, have a prior destination picked out. I don’t walk for 15 blocks just to turn around and walk the 15 blocks back. To me that is complete and utter lameness. Paul said last night “So you’re telling me that if we lived on a beach, you still wouldn’t go for a walk?” First of all, I NEVER said I wouldn’t walk on the beach, but still, the theory stands. Are we walking on the beach to go get ice cream? Or are we walking on the beach to look at the ocean and feel the sand between our toes? Cuz really? Get a life and buy a car. Or a bike. Or stay home and stop being a tool. 2) Tattoos. Here we go. Time to piss everyone off. When I was in college, I came up with the perfect theory on tattoos. Here it is: “One is cool, two is trashy”. As I’ve gotten a little older, I’ve modified the tattoo theory. Now it reads: “One is snores, two is fucking lame-oid.” At 27, it’s too late for me to think that getting a tattoo is in any way cool. I’ve seen some nice ones and I don’t judge anyone for taking the plunge. However, if you expect me to jump up and down and praise you for your creativity and bravery in getting said tattoo, you got another thing coming. And if you’re my friend Mariah and get your girlfriend’s NAME tattooed on your pelvis, well you better be as hot as Mariah or I’m fully going to punch you in your numb skull. 3) Brooklyn and Queens. Listen, I ain’t going to Brooklyn or Queens EVER. I lived in Queens for two years and I’ve been back maybe twice since I moved out of there. I understand that these two boroughs have a lot to offer as far as culture and historical landmarks are concerned, but if I have to sit on the subway for an hour to get to your apartment, you can just about guarantee that I will NOT be showing up. Brooklyn and Queens are wonderful novelty items, but if you want the real thing, you might as well move to Manhattan (cuz if you live in an outer borough, you surely don’t live in NYC anyway). On the ISLAND, we have everything you want: culture, food, theatre, strippers, and whatever else your perverted little heart can imagine. I’m sorry if you live in one of these boroughs and are offended. But truthfully, you’re only offended cuz you agree with me. 4) American Idol I can’t think of a more obnoxious and totally OVERRATED television show. I mean, COME ON people! How can you possibly tune in twice a week to that garbage? The weakly talented contestants perform terrible covers of really great songs and if it’s an exceptionally annoying evening, you will be treated to a group-sing in which everyone will fuck up at least 3 times while performing half-ass, shitty dance moves. It’s the cheesiest and biggest waste of time and money. And the kicker? The 26 million of you that tune in each week are so flaky! If you really, truly, love the show and the artists it spits out, then go out and buy one of their shitty albums. If you support American Idol, then SUPPORT the winners. I can’t even get into why Randy Jackson (fucking loser dawg!), Paula Abdul (has-been drug addict) and Simon Cowell (GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!) suck beyond belief. 5) The Chapelle Show Talk about getting my ass shot as soon as I leave work. Listen, I’ve watched a few episodes and I just don’t understand why everyone thinks it’s so funny and cutting edge. I mean, didn’t Richard Pryor perform his whole act like decades ago? Sure, it’s 2005 now and it’s almost funny to joke about crack whores and white people trying to be black, but enough is enough already. I find myself to be a pretty funny guy and I never (well ALMOST never) have to resort to base and low brow humor. ESPECIALLY low brow humor that's been done before. I can’t say that I HATE The Chappelle Show, but I can definitely say that the whole thing is muchly overrated. Especially since he was offered a most ridiculous contract to keep it going. Who knows? Maybe my opinion will eventually change. But for now? Take THAT BITCH. Well, now that I’ve officially pissed off everyone for one reason or another…I might as well go jerk off in the bathroom. Have a great one! |
